Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Learning to Mother (v.) without a Mother (n.)


You haven't heard from me for a while. Almost a year. So much has happened over the last 10 months, but the biggest shift has been the loss of my mother. 

We lost mom on October 12th. She had been battling health issues for some time, but the loss was still sudden. Until the day or two before she passed, most of us thought she would rebound with time and treatment. I'm still fresh in my grief, and now, four months into "life after", I am starting to see that the most difficult part of losing her is learning to mother (v.) without a mother (n.). 

When people tell you that motherhood is hard they aren't kidding. It is challenging, important, stressful, joyous, and often monotonous (pack lunch, wipe nose, wipe bottom, brush teeth, tie shoes, find the lost toy, lather, rinse, repeat...). It is also doubt-inducing. Even the most confident woman will doubt herself once becoming a mother. Am I feeding him enough? Too much? Am I too strict? Too lenient? Does he feel secure/loved? Am I teaching him the right values? SO. MUCH. No wonder we're exhausted. But in all of that headspace, I had my mom as my sounding board. My advice-giver (even when I didn't take it). Who can understand and empathize with the highs and lows of motherhood like YOUR MOTHER?! Plus, who else on God's green Earth, other than a paid licensed therapist, would be willing to listen to it all? 

A few days after she passed, I had loaded up the family car to drive me and my son back home to stay with my dad and make preparations for the memorial service. It's a 5-hour drive with lots of open West Texas country roads so I let my mind wander, and it occurred to me that my son is the same age that my younger brother was when our grandfather passed away. I immediately thought, "I should ask Mom how she talked to Matt about death at a young age." Let that sink in. My first thought/instinct/urge was to ask my deceased mother how to teach my son about death. 

Life has been full of these moments over the last few months. Reaching for the cell phone to tell her about a new milestone with Arlo (She swore vehemently that he was "advanced" from 3 days old and never stopped, just ask the ladies in her Sunday School class). Craving her support and delight when I was offered a fantastic new job. Wanting to lay out all the Pre-K options and get her feedback. It doesn't stop, I don't think it ever will. 

My mom also called me on my bullshit. She would have watched me dive headfirst into work after her death and told me to slow down. She would have seen through the smiles and "I've got my shit together" facade and told me that I needed to process things instead of avoiding my feelings. She would have told me to get over myself with my self-prescribed guilt trip and focus on now. She would tell me to wash my face every night, put on lotion to moisturize, and dab some Carmex on my lips because I needed to take care of myself.   

Tonight as I was tucking Arlo into bed and reading his bedtime story, I looked down and surveyed my boy. Tousled hair, long dark eyelashes, arm clutched protectively around his prized stuffed hippopotamus, and was so filled with love and pride for this child. It hit me hard knowing that my mom adored me in the same ways. That even at almost 38 years old she still looked at me with that same awe and pride. That may be the toughest loss of all because no matter how old we are, deep down we still want the love and approval of our mommas.

39 comments:

  1. So sorry for your loss! My father died 7 yrs ago and I still miss him with pain in my heart when I think of him, which is everyday. I know it's not the same as a mother, but its a parent. I think it does get easier though with time. The part about forgetting she's gone, I would be the same way. I'll be praying for you and your family. Thank uou for sharing!

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  2. *you I really should read better before pushing that button. Have a great week hun!

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  3. Oh sweet friend, I'm so sorry. Ironically, my father passed away on the same day last year. We weren't that close, not nearly as close as the relationship you obviously had with your mother, and it has been hard to process. I can't imagine how much more difficult it has been to lose such a crucial person in your life. Thinking of you as you continue to grieve and process.

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    WhatsApp: +16029609776

    ReplyDelete
  22. I will forever be indebted to the great Doctor Jumba for fixing my broken marriage after my husband left me for his mistress for 6 months. I never believed in spells until my friend introduced me to him. At first, I was skeptical about him because I heard a lot about false spell casters but I put my doubts behind me for I was desperate to get my husband back and I did according to what he instructed me to do. Now my husband is back just within 48 hours of contacting him. I'm living happily with my husband again after 6 months of divorce and I will not rest till he's known all over the world. He also specialize in money spells, lottery spells, sickness spells E.T.C. Get connected with Doctor Jumba now, his email is wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or WhatsApp on +19085174108 Or His Website: https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/

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  23. Isiyku Abdulahi
    My ex-boyfriend dumped me one week ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the Internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 2 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr Believe. You are truly talented and gifted.He is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop talking about him because he is a wonderful man. Contact this great love spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem to be solved today via email: believelovespelltemple@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +19713839183

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  24. To know more about Chief Dr Lucky you can visit his website (https://chiefdrluckyherbaltherapy.wordpress.com/)
     
     A friend that suffered from Herpes and was cure with the help of this great herbal doctor Chief Lucky so i decided to contact him for help in getting rid of my families genital herpes virus 1/2 which i did and all i was told to provide was just some useful information and some materials used in preparation of the natural cure and that i did and now i am the happiest person on earth because i am writing this testimony of mine with joy and happiness in my heart to the whole world to know that natural remedy is real because i am a living testimony of Chief Lucky traditional herbal cure and i want you all to contact Chief Lucky via his email: chiefdrlucky@gmail.com or WhatsApp him +2348132777335 am sure he will help you too.

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    Replies
    1. I want to testify to the glory of Lord Masuka, the spell caster that helped me restored my marriage. It all started when my husband came back home acting weird for no reason, I tried to find out what was going on but he refused talking to me for days, he woke up one morning and say to me that he needs a break and he left without any clue where he's going, I was so shocked and devastated because I have done nothing wrong to him other than being a supporting wife, I cried all day, one fateful evening I saw series of comments on how Lord Masuka had restored collapsed marriages, so I decided to give him a try. He assured me that all hope are not lost yet, I followed the instructions he gave me and to my greatest surprise my husband who had left me for months without a call came to my work place and begged for forgiveness, now we are happy family because of Lord Masuka. To as many of you having issues in your relationship, marriages Lord Masuka is the answer to your problem, contact him today via email lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or WhatsApp him +1(234)-307-0752. You can also visit his website for more info https://lordmasukaspelltem3.wixsite.com/masuka?

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  25. BEST URGENT EFFECTIVE LOVE SPELL TO GET YOUR EX/HUSBAND/WIFE BACK FAST AND TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE NOW CONTACT LORD ZULU ON WHATSAPP DIRECTLY +1 (424) 361‑7554 +1 (424) 361‑7554 Hi everyone I’m here to testify of a great and powerful spell caster called Lord Zulu I was so confused and devastated when my husband left me without word, I needed him back desperately because I loved him so much. So a friend of mine introduced me to this powerful spell caster who had helped her in getting her lover back, so I contacted him and he promised that in less than 72 hours he will come back to me. After I did all he asked, to my greatest surprise my husband who had refused to speak with me came to my house and asked for forgiveness for all he had made me go through and now we are living happily together, if you have any relationship problem I will advise you contact him for your testimonies. Below are his contact details. Contact him on. EMAIL:Allsupremepowersolutionhome@gmail.com WhatsApp OR Call:+1 (424) 361‑7554 Link:mywa.link/lordzulu

    ReplyDelete
  26. My name is Michelle Simone
    Have you heard of GREAT ATAKPO (greatatakpospelltemple@gmail.com)? This man is a genius, he can do anything with his miraculous spell.

    My boyfriend was abusive and was a cheat, I love him so much and didn't want to loose him to another so I started searching for help online when I came across testimonies of people thanking and praising GREAT ATAKPO for his help so I contact him immediately, I told him my situation and he promised to help me. I did just as he instructed me and everything about my boyfriend cheating habit and abusive behavior changed for better, he is so lovely and caring now. I'm so proud of GREAT ATAKPO.
    If you need a powerful spell caster to help you get back your Ex Husband or your Ex Wife or Your Ex Boyfriend or Your Ex Girlfriend please contact GREAT ATAKPO via e-mail:(greatatakpospelltemple@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I can’t believe that with just a contact to Dr. Todd, I got my ex husband back. I had read some stuff about Manifest Temple before i contacted him but i didn’t know that all those stuff were so accurate until i got my husband back, After getting my ex husband back i taught it wise to share my testimony with everyone on this website that how Dr. Todd was able to get my husband back with his powerful reunion love spell. That rebuild my broken marriage. All my hope has been fully restored and am happy to share my experience to everyone. Do feel free to Contact Dr. Todd via email if having any challenge with marriage or relationship at: (manifestspellcast@gmail.com https://manifestspellcast.wordpress.com) I so much believe he can also help out with his power.

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  28. This is another testimony on how Chief Dr Lucky cured my HIV disease. Do you need a cure for your HIV disease? Do you want to be cured from your cancer disease? Or you want to be free from any type of disease. Kindly visit his website https://chiefdrluckyherbaltherapy.wordpress.com/ . He just cured my HIV disease and I’m very grateful to him, he is the only herbalist that can cure you.  
    WhatsApp number : +2348132777335 
    Via Email : chiefdrlucky@gmail.com
    Thank you all for reading,
    God bless"

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  29. I'm Tonia Anderson by name, I am from the States, Suffolk county to be precise. I am here today to testify of the good works LORD ZAKUZA has done in my life, I never knew great men still exist until I found him. I have been suffering from heart break for the past 3 years, my partner who I invested on cheated on me with my best friend on my matrimonial bed, I was yet to recover from this terrible shock and needed help to make him stop cheating. A friend of mine directed me to this spell caster called Lord Zakuza. I doubted him at first but as things went further, I had to give him my trust and did exactly as he told me to do. Ever since then, I have been happy all my life and my love life with my partner has been so wonderful. You can also need his help for anything and here's his contact information.

    Website: lordzakuzaspells.com
    WhatsApp: +1 740 573 9483
    Email: lordzakuza7@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  30. I am so proud and happy to be out here sharing this remarkable, awesome and extraordinary review of your good work Dr. Todd. I just can’t believe this now my ex Husband is really back to me, on his knees presenting a ruby rose begging me to take him back and he was feeling regretful and sorry for leaving me and for causing me pains after the divorce which occurred last year. And this whole miracle happened after i ordered an urgent 72 hours of Dr. Todd powerful spell which he cast on me and my husband. Sir I am the happiest woman today in this whole world. Its a miracle and everlasting pleasure and cheerfulness for me and my family today.. I am so happy now and i don’t know how much to convey my thankfulness and appreciation to you sir. And to the whole world, contact him if you need urgent help now because its guaranteed that he will help you. ”Dr. Todd the online spell caster” to see more review of his article. From your indebted and heartwarming. E-mail: manifestspellcast@gmail.com https://youtube.com/channel/UCNezAFQL1OAZbESTOsTfp_g
    https://www.facebook.com/Manifest-Spell-Cast-102179992108255

    ReplyDelete
  31. I want to testify to the glory of Lord Masuka, the spell caster that helped me restored my marriage. It all started when my husband came back home acting weird for no reason, I tried to find out what was going on but he refused talking to me for days, he woke up one morning and say to me that he needs a break and he left without any clue where he's going, I was so shocked and devastated because I have done nothing wrong to him other than being a supporting wife, I cried all day, one fateful evening I saw series of comments on how Lord Masuka had restored collapsed marriages, so I decided to give him a try. He assured me that all hope are not lost yet, I followed the instructions he gave me and to my greatest surprise my husband who had left me for months without a call came to my work place and begged for forgiveness, now we are happy family because of Lord Masuka. To as many of you having issues in your relationship, marriages Lord Masuka is the answer to your problem, contact him today via email lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or WhatsApp him +1(234)-307-0752. You can also visit his website for more info https://lordmasukaspelltem3.wixsite.com/masuka?

    ReplyDelete
  32. There is a great herbal man called Dr voodoo who can cure Hepatitis B virus and other deadly diseases with the use of natural herbs to cure Hepatitis B virus problems. He is from Africa and he is a great doctor and he can also cure you as well if you are have the problem And other deadly disease and here is email address voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com or Whatsapp +2348140120719 HERPES CURE,CANCER CURE,HIV/AIDS CURE,HPV CURE

    ReplyDelete