#MotherhoodMonday - Motherhood Motivations

Motherhood and Motivation...those two words haven't always clicked for me. Growing up I was always motivated to do well in school because I loved the positive feedback I would receive. A big fat gold star on my report, a "Book-It" button full of stickers so I could go eat at Pizza Hut, a certificate at the end of the school year for citizenship, and that National Honor Society collar at graduation. As I finished college and entered the work force I was motivated to do good work for the "attagirl"s and end of the year bonuses. I flourish under positive feedback and appreciation, and am motivated to exceed expectations because I definitely do not want to be on the receiving end of a bad performance review.

And then there was motherhood...

I don't know if y'all know this, but newborns don't rain down praise when you soothe them and cure their diaper rash with coconut oil. Toddlers don't high five you when you sneak organic veggies into their diet and manage to teach them their colors in a fun and playful manner. There is no performance review. There is no bonus structure. There is no climbing the ladder, and guess what, there is no absolute right way to do your job. (I shudder)

For a while this frustrated me and scared me. How will I know I am measuring up? What if I fail?! The short answer is, I have no effing clue. Motherhood is the single most amazing and terrifying role to embark upon and carries an incredible responsibility. You mean, I'm charged with shaping the heart and mind of this tiny malleable human? I'm the one who needs to  model empathy, patience, and goodwill towards others? 

So I had a paradigm shift. I began to see the small, day-to-day rewards of motherhood and let those motivate me through sleepless nights and long weary days. I became motivated by:

• Gummy grins (even if they were only because of passing gas)
• Contented sighs
• A heavy tired toddler in my arms
• Messy hands that have been exploring the world
• The first words strung together (Mama, I HUN-GEE! - aka hungry)
• Belly laughs when I make silly faces

These are the gold stars of early motherhood. Recently I've been looking to the future, something I rarely did before becoming a mother. My long-term motivations are raising a brave, confident child who respects others (even if they have different opinions), has empathy for the feelings of those around him, and loves with abandon. It's a tall order, and I hope I'm up to the task. Someone just tell me that I can get a ribbon or gold star when he's a successful, self-sufficient adult, okay?

On a lighter note, here's a list of some of my other Motherhood Motivations:

• Nothing motivates me to work like looking at the clock and realizing I have 30 minutes before Mother's Day Out pick-up.
• Nothing motivates me to move like some French Roast first thing in the morning.
• Nothing motivates me to exercise (y'all, never in my life have I ever wanted to exercise) like the thought of 30 minutes to watch Netflix on the treadmill while my son plays in the gym childcare. Also, I'm motivated to still be moving and shaking by the time he graduates college .(I'll be 56!)
• Nothing motivates me to get through the bedtime routine like knowing my comfy chair, sweats, Hulu, and contraband cookies are waiting for me.

So mommas, tell me, what motivates you?

Don't forget to visit all the other remarkable mommas participating in this week's topic:

Lisa W. http://www.themotherblog.com
Alexis http://www.mrsmombie.com/ 
Farrah http://www.newandnaturalmom.com/ 
Tiffany http://www.stellarmama.com/ 
Natasha http://www.natashabyrd.com/blog 
Heather http://www.frugalsouthernliving.com/
Katie http://www.alwayskatie.com

#Motherhood Monday - Motherhood Miracles

Looking back on motherhood thus far, I can recall plenty of times where I said, "It will be a miracle if..."

• "It will be a miracle if he ever sleeps": Thankfully he now sleeps through the night, even if that "night" ends at 5:30 am.
• "It will be a miracle if I can get him to sleep without rocking or wearing him": He now nestles down in his big boy bed and falls asleep on his own!
• "It will be a miracle if I ever get my bed back": At 20 months, he transitioned smoothly into a twin bed in his own room!
• "It will be a miracle if he ever gives up the bottle": We've now been bottle free for 3 months!

In the midst of the day to day grind of motherhood (wake, coffee, adult, repeat) these milestones can feel so far, so insurmountable that they seem almost miraculous when they happen. But what I really want to talk about today is the miracle of becoming a mother.

I find conception to be pretty damn miraculous.

Did you know that even in your twenties you only have a 20% chance of conceiving each month? If you have healthy eggs, regular ovulation, a partner with good swimmers, a clear path in your fallopian tubes, and you happen to get busy at the precise time of the month that all these align, you still only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant that month. By the time you are 30, that drops to 15% and to 10% at 35. So, to my ladies who got pregnant their first time out of the gate after a few glasses of wine, YOU have a miracle on your hands. 

For me, pregnancy did not come quite so easy. My eggs were the culprit. At 29 years old I was diagnosed with severely diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) basically this meant that at not even 30 years old, I had the eggs (quantity and quality) of a woman in her mid-forties. For the next 7 years we tried a variety of treatments before hauling out the big guns and undergoing Donor Egg IVF. When I say that my son is our miracle baby, I truly mean it. It was a miracle that my faith, marriage, and bank account could withstand infertility (it's a beast. This pic is just the meds I took in preparation for IVF. It does not include the 12 weeks of progesterone shots I took once I was pregnant). 

It was a miracle that we found a donor who although we never met, gave us such a remarkable gift. It was a miracle that this teeny, tiny embryo decided to implant in my womb. 

It was a miracle that he stayed safe and cozy for 41 weeks. And boy was it ever a miracle when he finally found his way into my arms.

Now my miracle is almost TWO and is delighting (and challenging) us daily. It's a miracle I don't smother him in kisses.  I mean, get a load of this cuteness!

So mommas, how are you celebrating the miracles of motherhood today?

As always with #MotherhoodMonday, read the Motherhood Miracles blog posts written by these wonderful women:

The Mother Blog

Mrs. Mombie

From Engineer To SAHM

Mommie Isn't Made of Money

My MSPI Baby

Simply The Wildside

Sweet Right Here

#MotherhoodMonday - Motherhood Misconceptions

Before I became a mother, I thought that the biggest change that motherhood would bring to me as a person, would be the title of "mom". I knew that motherhood would change my lifestyle, my schedule, my body, and my sleep, but I believed that the same "Lindsey" would still be there underneath all the diapers and bottles and stretchy pants. I couldn't have been more wrong. Yes, there are still vestiges of pre-mom Lindsey: my sense of humor, love of chocolate, half-hearted crafting, empathetic crying, and love of losing myself in a good book; but there has been a deep and irrevocable change that has taken place. 

I look at life through a different lens now. I no longer think of just myself and my spouse when making decisions. I also think WAY more long term than I ever have in my previous 35 years. I've always been a bit of a Pollyanna, and while a desire to see the best in people still exists in me, it has been tempered with a more analytical and scrutinous side. 

Becoming a mother also intensified my radar. You know what I mean, that gut-check instinct that makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck if something doesn't feel quite right. Motherhood hasn't made me fearful, but it has taught me to trust my instincts and not feel silly if I need to walk away from someplace or someone. 

Motherhood expanded my emotions in ways I didn't know possible. If you've found yourself dealing with a toddler lately you know that you can go from immense pride to frustration to a soul crushing love in a matter of an hour and that is just a Monday. 

I wondered how these changes could be so huge, so encompassing, so drastic. For years it has been chalked up to being a mother's love, but now science has some incredible and exciting things to explain these changes. Hang with me, I'm about to go science nerd on you:

• Your baby is imbedded (literally) in you.  We spend 10 months with our babies in utero; feeding them and literally forming them into existence. That alone would make for a powerful connection and bond, but now scientists have found an even more fascinating link. Cells from your child can travel from the placenta into other parts of your body, taking up residence in your organs. So a little piece of your child(ren) still lives inside you. Scientific American explains it so much better than I do, so check out this article.
• After childbirth, your brain grows. In a 2010 study, researchers looked at brain-scan images of 19 women before an after they gave birth and found that the size of mothers' brains increased shortly after childbirth. I'm guessing we need the increase of gray matter to deal with the intense sleep-deprivation and still function. 
• Becoming a parent looks a lot like falling in love. Moms experience a surge of oxytocin when looking at/feeding/nurturing their babies and this triggers similar responses in the amygdala as those falling in love. It helps explain that crazy wave of love you feel when you hold your newborn (and can't stop sniffing their head). 

So to say that my pre-conceived notion of retaining myself unchanged after motherhood was a misconception would be an understatement. This little man has altered me in all the best ways possible and I wouldn't go back if I could!

Photo Courtesy of Laura Beck Photography

Want to join the fun for next week's #MotherhoodMonday? Email themomwhoblogs@gmail.com for more info!

Follow along with these other awesome moms who joined today's link-up:

Lisa
Alexis
Amber Marie
Farrah
Christy
Racheal
Rebekah
Amber Joy

#MotherhoodMonday - Motherhood Mantras

Happy Monday, friends! I'm joining up with The Mother Blog this week for her #MotherhoodMonday series. If you haven't started following her, link up with her on Instagram @themotherblog! This week's writing theme is Motherhood Mantras. 

man·tra

ˈmantrə/

noun

1. (originally in Hinduism and Buddhism) a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation.

I don't know about you, but sitting quietly repeating a word or sound to calm myself and concentrate doesn't really happen in my home.  I could use a little more zen in my life. So while peaceful, meditative mantras may not be a staple in my home, there are some words I live by and statements I repeat to myself when I feel tired and overwhelmed by it all:

• Don't compare your behind-the-scenes with everyone's highlight reel: I admit it, I struggle with comparison. It's damn near impossible not to. So when I feel that sinking feeling in my gut that my house/hair/clothes/car/vacation/family aren't measuring up to what I see in my news feed, I give myself a social media time out and count my blessings.

• Be Kind, Always: Recently I've had a handful of friends open up to me about personal struggles that I would have had ZERO clue about had they not told me. We don't all wear our hurts and battles on our sleeves, so kindness should always be our default. You never know who is struggling with infertility, marriage troubles, grieving a family member, battling depression, fighting illness, or a plethora of other issues. This also helps me approach my child with kindness. He may be having a tantrum, or acting out, but I try to calm myself and remind myself to approach with kindness. I get down on his level and find out what the problem is. Is he tired, teething, or frustrated that he can't physically do something? I want my son to learn to be kind and who is a better role model than his parent?

• Say Yes: When I was pregnant with my son, a co-worker and mother of 3 grown boys gave me a wonderful nugget of advice. She said, "There will be plenty of times you have to tell your child no. So whenever possible, say yes." This really stuck with me. I remind myself to say yes to my toddler as often as I can in a day. Now, I don't give in to every request for more cookies, but if the thing he's asking isn't going to hurt him, or spoil his dinner, I pretty much say yes. Yes, I'll play blocks with you. Yes, we can color. Yes, mommy will run in circles and chase you. Yes, we can pull all the pillows off the bed and make a fort. Just say yes.

I'm less than 2 years into his parenting gig, but I can tell you that the biggest takeaway so far is that we're all doing our best as we go. When I think back to my parents when they were my age, I remember thinking they were so wise and always knew what to do. Now I know that they were probably just winging it. I'm sure they went to bed at night and looked at each other and were grateful to have made it through another day. So mommas, I give you each a virtual high-five this Monday. We made it through to another week. Let's get out there and wing it. :) 

Want to join the fun for next week's #MotherhoodMonday? Email themomwhoblogs@gmail.com for more info!

While you're reading, check out these other amazing bloggers participating in today's link-up:

The Mother Blog

New and Natural Mom

My MYSPI Baby

Simply The Wild Side
From Engineer to SAHM
Mommie Isn't Made of Money

A Letter to Arlo

My little man. In my eyes you are perfection. Just when I think my heart is full, you do something to make it grow a little more. You are 11.5 months old and keeping me on my toes more than ever. You are walking laps around our little home, crawling off the furniture, laughing, baby talking, and eating up a storm. You finally have two teeth with two more on the way. You are challenging, funny, headstrong, and according to your Honey and PawPaw "very advanced". 

You love to play with your books and frequently shove them into our hands and demand to be read to.  You blow raspberries and take delight in making tooting noises on the back of your hand when I'm trying to settle you down for bedtime. When a song with a strong beat comes on you stop what you're doing and start shaking your diaper clad booty.

I feel like you're starting to comprehend the things I tell you. You like to shake your head "no" at me when you know you're doing something you shouldn't, but then continue doing it anyway. You delight in throwing all the food off your tray when you decide you're done eating. I keep thinking we need to get a dog to clean up after you.

You have the most amazing head of baby hair. Everywhere we go strangers comment on it and want to touch it. You were born with striking blue eyes and while people told us that they might change colors, yours have just become brighter. When you master a new activity you look at me with the sweetest smile as if to say, "did you see that mom?!"

Somedays you take all of my energy, attention, and strength. I won't lie...there are times when I countdown until bedtime so I can rest, recharge, and have uninterrupted time with your daddy. The funny thing is, once you're asleep and we're alone, we still talk about you and laugh about what you did that day.

I hoped and prayed to be a mom. It was a long journey, and at times I doubted I would ever hold you. My love, you were worth the wait.

Do you validate?

Truth time folks. I don't always feel 100% fulfilled in my new role as a mother. Let me give you a little background. I'm pretty sure I came out of the womb hard-wired to be a people pleaser and rule-follower. I was the kid that teachers loved in school. Eager to please, meet deadlines, and over-achieve. My senior year in high school the faculty voted on 10 students who exemplified citizenship and leadership and you guessed it, I was one of them. I've thrived in jobs where I get frequent feedback on my work and excel in the end-of-year review. It's kind of my jam. "Exceeds Expectations" CHECK, "Bonus Recommended" CHECK.

Now that I'm not working full time outside of the home, there is a deficiency in the validation department. I'm still doing some consulting work, but it's not the same as being in the office, getting the "Atta Girl" after a successful project is delivered or major kudos from your team after you wrap an event.

My biggest projects and events now center around my 10.5 month old son.  Sometimes the doldrums of the day-to-day can wear on you. Feed, Diaper, Play, Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Don't get me wrong...the rewards of parenthood are rich! When he smiles a big gummy grin at me, tries to repeat a word I'm teaching him, or masters a new milestone, I am so overwhelmed with pride! These moments are precious, and I'm not discounting their value. But there is something to be said for finding value in myself outside of my role as "Arlo's Mom."

When I first started to really think this through, I gave myself a stern talking to. "You are a grown ass woman, Lindsey! Validate yourself!" But then I backed off and realized that this is part of who I am. I do feel that I bring value to my family in my role as a mother, but it might not fill up my cup completely. That's okay. In fact, it shouldn't have to. There is a lot more to me than just being a mother. 

Have any of you faced similar feelings upon becoming a parent? 

Badassery and other musings

We've all done it. Deflected a compliment with a self-depricating quip, downplayed a talent or gift as "oh, it's nothing", guffawed when someone tells us we look pretty and reply "yeah, if only I could lose the last of this baby weight." I caught myself doing this recently and realized it has become a pattern, and I'd like it to stop.

I'm not sure when it became the norm for so many women and mothers to brush off our badassery (yes, I said badassery). Maybe it's just reverting to some old-school expectation for us to be demure, soft-spoken, ladies who eat cucumber tea sandwiches and always sit with our ankles crossed. I don't know about you, but I have opinions, love a good steak and find myself crawling around on all fours with my baby more often than sitting in any sort of dainty position!

The other day I was at the park with my 8 month old son and snapped this pic of the two of us. Get a load of how he looks at me:

He looks at me like I can do ANYTHING. When he cries and I pick him up, he is instantly happier. When I walk in a room he lights up like I am a supermodel, Pulitzer Prize winner, and Olympian all rolled into one. I don't want to do anything to diminish his faith in me. I know I will stumble, be cross, and lose my patience and some of that beautiful veneer he sees will smudge away and show that mommy is human, but why aid that process by diminishing myself and my worth in his eyes? 

I want my son to grow up with a healthy sense of confidence and what better way for me to do that than exhibit it myself. I'm not suggesting egotism or becoming overtly prideful, just simply seeing our value and being okay with recognition. I also want him to grow up and value and respect women. I want him to have an example of a strong, capable, talented, loving mother so that when he's older he will see and value those characteristics in a future partner.

It's a lofty goal, but I will strive to speak in positive tones about myself, accept compliments and praise with grace and gratefulness, and try to be the woman in my son's eyes.